Sunday, September 26, 2010

Cut my bangs, my father David says I look like Audrey Hephburn, doing a lot of research for school and other subjects latley. It pays off to be young so Im living life. End of Summer, early Fall is my favorite season. Going to see my cousin soon. Smoking good weed prevents my writers block. Putting fun goals in my 'list of things to do' as well as, 'errands' makes things a lot more interesting. Lazy sundays always seem productive. Really am starting to believe that only the good die young...playing the if I were a stripper game, my top three songs to dance to would be:

1. The Guess Who- American Woman

2. Dr. John- Right Place, Wrong Time

3. Smith- Baby It's You

....and probably something by Lil'Wayne

Alex [ 9:43:00 PM ]

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Title: I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints

Founded on a wooden stoop they left you there for hope to lend a hand.Your French descent of denied race was left where you where last kissed. Mother vexed in selfishness, left to die and never missed. A life adjusted of what's expected, of a name label and brand. Founded on an Avenue the man whose jaw could cut them all. A gentle loving caring soul a heart unbroken and under control. I am just poison in this life like insobriety and cursed dole. Making mistakes is better than a lifetime of nothing, just tides hitting a seawall. Founded as just a child with blood upon my lips I liked the taste, of disgrace. To be someone's world is to be loved and often on my own Ive never felt alone. So high and dry Ill take this life and rips and tears in hearts Ive sown. In the end this human contact will mean nothing more than foolish embrace. Founded on a bed of vanilla scented heliotrope and porcelain angels. Taking up my face and cheeks in dying hands to a blinding life. I knew then what I know now and carried it like a jackknife. For I am poison on the dagger and angels are modestly by and by, skulls.©

Alex [ 10:45:00 PM ]

RESTLESS AUTUMN SLEEPLESS SEPTEMBER

1. Guys are never an option...unless drunk and use a latex cos theyre dirty and gross and fuck bitches 'raw'
2. Long term goals are affording a university, getting a medical license to sell weed, staying tight.
3. short term goals are getting a car, finishing semester, cutting down on drinking, and focus.

p.s. do more for others like how I did when I was younger...treasure the small pleasures. Baby it's you! <3

Alex [ 10:36:00 PM ]

Alex [ 6:35:00 PM ]

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Disregarding people in order to live out my dreams : )


by getting rid of things that no longer serve any purpose in my life proves I have self respect...I thought I had it all figured out but I just always get things wrong. Im no kind of saint but I did start some kind of religion. I should probably go on dates but I lost my soulmate and can accept that. From here on out it will be a hard time finding a gentleman. With enough romance and draconian balanced perfectly,
wonderful people are hard to come by.
I dance at least once a day.
learning how to behave.
make mo' money.

Alex [ 5:25:00 PM ]

Thursday, September 16, 2010

>It all started in the summer of 2005, I guess you could say in actuality it started in the summer of 1990 the year I was born. Life is quite a trip, in my definition it’s what you make it. There are rules but there are always more exceptions. I was an exception with regardless expectations. Humans are such strange creatures with such sad souls, always longing for more always unsatisfied. Searching for happiness their whole existence yet what can we do when the pursuit of happiness becomes a drag?Growing up in the suburbs in Massachusetts only opened my eyes to how small the world is perceived through others eyes. Sometimes I would stare into the bathroom cabinet mirror and think so hard on how human came to be and the way in which we lived...how small it made me feel. This left me with a space complex of anxiety towards entrapment and threatened my very essence; the right to survival. It was all too serious, most would settle and try to find themselves after marriage, like most woman think the road is mapped out to be. But I decided to take the highway, and the characters, the scenes, the love, the hate, all that I saw...well I could never even write it all down. And even if i did for the most part printing will be dead and the reader whose treacherous hands these words are in may criticize, crucify, and court me when all i set out in the first place to do was make literature. Keep the knowledge alive and going so civilization continues to prosper. With all their expertise they must be right and they will be right, and that will be my down fall. Life is irreversible, you can’t watch a movie to rewind it keen on any difference in watching it over and over. Love cats always cry out at night. Live life for what you want it to be, not like a manuscript. Live your life and maybe you will be watching yourself on that same screen. Not because you tried to be something you weren’t but because you were. Original and daring to be something, do something in your own, be someone. It’s called having a backbone, it means gaining substance. It's an unfrequented voyage, more so an excursion in my case.

Alex [ 7:11:00 PM ]

Monday, September 6, 2010

Keep having nightmares though, wish I would remember what I dream of as good as I remember night terrors >:(

Alex [ 8:37:00 PM ]

Bob Dylan is releasing unreleased bootleg music OCT 19th, fewer hours of work, fresh tattoos, baby ryan caliendo, and lace. All make me a happy young woman.


No, my friend-
Darkness is not everywhere...
For here and there, I find faces illuminated from within...
Paper lanterns among the dark trees.
-C.B.

"I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. Life is no brief candle for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for a moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations." —George Bernard Shaw, born July 26, 1856

“Now I don’t mean to bother you but I’m in distress, there’s a danger of me losing all of my happiness”

Another part of my heart missing that I never thought would have wandered off. Everyone got their fair piece of the pie, I had a seventeen year supply. During my teenage years I took up more bad habits that could be counted on fingers and toes. I relate with Dylan when he said, " I ran away when I was 10,12 , 13, 15, 151/2, 17, an' 18. I been caught and brought back all but once."

I understood that it was the end and if I'm never to love you again I'd like to know why it had to be this way. Don't leave me for another state this city is too overwhelming to withstand alone. It's also far to cold for these curious nerves. I'm the one that deserves, I'm your genius mask under silver plastered glass. It's a madhattered world with shooting stars and open bars. On to the next prevailing mystery of time. I had been sleeping with the devil for far to long traveling in starry fields doing a lot of drugs. After all the days of saying this, I did finally decide. I’m going to be helpful in a world full of uselessness it’s time to leave some things behind. Then he walks me home, even in the cold. Then he walks alone and I know what you’re thinking, it’s like seasons in the sun, changing constantly in and out of love. The feeling of wanting something more can destroy, yet I still want that other man. I feel wanted by the people I don’t want, lost from the people I love. I don’t trust anyone anymore, I feel unneeded by the people I need. Somebody love me the right way please, I was beginning to become accustom to your scent. Sometimes I blame myself for forgotten things left unsaid, but you remind me of the morning dew. There was always hope in your eyes, yet gone before early traces of sunrise. You remind me of my old time favorite song. I've got a lover who kisses me, he's a magician and one of a kind. Any drug that I want I can get at anytime, yet it just seems I joined this rat race with inappropriate attire. It's my past that makes my future this I know and won't pretend. My illustrious lover is quite a young man, I'm in so much of a hurry to love him right. Since love is something I've been secretly running from for half my life.

"I got people telling me one thing, and even more people telling me another. So I just do my own thing."-BD

Alex [ 8:06:00 PM ]

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

My Horoscope Wednesday Sept. 1st Also today, and for the next seven days, try to avoid offering your services or lending money or items to your friends. It's not just that appreciation you'd expect isn't offered, but it is likely to create an unhealthy dependency.

My Horoscope Thursday Sept. 2nd Leo. It's going to be up to you to try to keep the lines of communications open with those important to you today. This could also be a breakdown of communications with a friend; so just make sure you're holding up your end of any bargains you're involved in with them. Make sure you don't put your own interests ahead of all other concerns today....you may just alienate someone that you'd rather not if you don't tread carefully today.

The thought of being left alone is appealing, my horoscope sometimes helps me out purdy good. Bought a book about stars and galaxies on sale at Border's with over 1,000 pages for $7.99.

I know that pushing people away is not a good thing and only has negative outcomes but not needing anyone makes it difficult to care. When I come home and someone has emptied my ashtray I get upset. If only they understood that I smoke half sometimes and if only they understood Mister Endo is more than some man's name tattooed on my body. There's more meaning to everyone's life than what's expected. I am even a predator in judgments...if I dont like it then it's wrong. Being understanding is hard for someone whose blog only shows 10 posts at a time, yet having over 80, once seen then outdated.I give each human a disregard for possession and class. Being the value of their spirit I want so badly I can taste it. I am sick of men who ask why I grieve them so for not calling anymore, I am grieved by men who tell me I make them sick for being not even a lover. But a friend, knowing theyve wanted more than friendliness all along. A true friend does not want. Dont give me that shit! Dont you get it? Weve hung out one time and now Ive broken your glass heart, try having a heart of steel and someone managing to break that....I dont know how anyone could like me, or better yet love me.

TwentyFour Fate is a funny thing, it brings you back to the people it took away. No matter what fate overcomes all, no one is truly unbelonging. Anyone who is considered weird, freaky, or different is only misplaced. Born into the wrong era in time, a serial murderer would do fine making a killing in Medieval times. TwentyFiveYou may have well died while you're young if you're going to lose your soul when you're old. Falling in love with a boy whose a pet makes me want to bet that the longer you have him the harder it is to let him go. An old man approached me for a cigarette but neither of us had a light. I'm a terrible person and I'm going to hell for spending saturdays in bathrooms, time apart from this drug can hurt. It's slowly getting clearer, you give all you can and it doesn't seem to matter. Gradation's all in splatters this haul will take its toll, a heart held down with gold, that's what I've learned so far.


These entries/passages/old/new are "my kief, hashish, and opium pipe. This is my drug and my vice. Instead of writing a novel I lie back...and dream, and indulge in refractions and defractions. I must relive my life in the dream. The dream is my only life."

Alex [ 10:21:00 PM ]

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Stop boozing, start grooving. Get my loser head up and stay on positive vibes. It's too bad Im pretty since it would be so much easier being pretty and dumb. Or should I say it's too bad Im smart? I am happy and should be happy, stop being selfish and stop thinking about my old boyfriend. He will be the one who got away but drinking and hurting men doesnt make a woman feel any better. Just more empty, so shallow I couldnt even drown in myself. I think Im well on my way to being who I want to be and if I meet amazing people along the way (the knowns and the unknowns) then I know Im doing something right. Just keep making money thats my state of mind. Keep myself occupied so boredom doesnt make me do stupid things (even if they are fun/funny.) I have time but I should want it now, and I do. I dont want to be taught a lesson Ive already learned, I DONT want to keep talking about myself and figuring out myself. I want to know who I am and be proud of that, pretty sure Im almost there. My portfolio is looking amazing and I have a head full of ideas. Its just theyre driving me insane. Today is the end of my self loathing self, unwilling, disinclined, ill-disposing my spirit. Not allowing myself to go to my full potential. Even if we're going nowhere I wana have a good time g o i n g. I will be more willing. Photo's of Julie's 20th Bday penis cake...funny story is the lady asked me "would you like a chocolate penis or a vanilla penis?" I said do you have marble? hahaa and one of my fav models Jazzzy with the killer eyes

Alex [ 1:31:00 PM ]

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I need a man who will always make me 'come' rain or shine......just saying. Adulthood has thus far proven...Ill get back to you on that one. PhotobOOth pics of me, cos Im vain.

Alex [ 2:26:00 AM ]